A Letter to Miss Hailey Mae

Dear Hailey,
I will never forget the day your mother told me she was pregnant with you. When she asked me to take a walk with her I knew what she was going to say. I felt joy that our family was going to be blessed with another baby, but I knew that your mom and dad would have a hard road ahead of them. I never could have imagined just how hard it would be.

When your mama had your ultrasound and told us she was having a little girl I was so excited. I could picture you and Sasha playing dolls and dress up together, growing up together, talking about boys together, staying close when you had children of your own. I had so much fun planning your baby shower, crocheting your tiny pink hat and passing on the clothes that Sasha had outgrown.

We were all impatient for you to be born. Those hours and hours in the hospital were some of the longest of my life. I was so proud of your mama; her strength and endurance amazed me. And I saw how much your daddy loved both of you, how scared he was for you, and how joyful when you were safely delivered.

For the last nineteen months you’ve been our family’s baby. Miss Hailey Mae, adored by cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents alike. You were always cheerful, unless you were missing your mama and daddy. I’ll never forget your smile, the way you pointed to everyone you saw, asking who they were and showing that you were glad to see them, or how you loved to twine anyone and everyone’s hair around your little fingers.

I wish I had spent more time with you while you were here and made more time for Jordan, Sasha and Karlye to play with you. They were always so excited to see you. It was so much fun when you and your mama would come stay overnight with us when your daddy was away for work.

Memories from your last days here on earth overwhelm me. Hailey looking so sick on Labor Day. Hailey in the hospital hooked up to IVs and monitors. The nurse joking while she brought in your tiny little bag of blood. Hailey, so sedated after surgery, forcing her eyes open to smile at Sasha and me while maintaining a death grip on her juice. Hailey finally up and around, playing so seriously with play dough and markers. Hailey at home the day before you left us, rubbing my back but slapping my hand away when I tried to touch yours. You playing with Sasha’s hair while she played with yours. Hailey waving goodbye one last time.

Thank you Hailey for the nineteen months you gave us. Your life and death has touched everyone who knew you and many who didn’t. All of us who love you will carry a hole in our hearts that will never be filled on this earth. To me, the wait seems long and heaven far away. But you are home, held in God’s loving hands. We praise God that you have been blessed with eternal joy and peace, no more sorrow, no more pain, and we know that we will see you again one day.
Love, Your Auntie Hannah

Miss Hailey Mae

Sasha and Hailey on the 4th of July

From last Monday when I saw how ill my 18-month-old niece Hailey was, to Thursday when she was diagnosed with leukemia, to tonight when we received the news that the cancer hasn't spread to her spinal fluid, I've gone through a wide range of emotions. Some of them were expected - gut-wrenching fear, helplessness, grief, thankfulness after today's news. Others were unexpected. I never thought that even a diagnosis of cancer would be a relief from the terror of not knowing what was wrong or if anything could be done. I didn't know I and others around me even more affected by the situation could find so many things to be sincerely thankful for. I've never witnessed first hand such an immense outpouring of support and love for a young family. I hadn't realized how one word could erase all of my trivial worries and help me focus on what's truly important. I forgot until I saw Jordan's sorrow and fear for his cousin, and the care Sasha took to be quiet and gentle when we visited the hospital how much children can understand and how strong their love for one another can be. As Hailey struggles for health, as Miriam and Eric struggle for strength and patience and hope, and as all of us who love Hailey struggle to come to terms with her illness, I thank God for the many ways he has blessed us all and I pray that I forget none of the lessons that I'm learning.

To see updates on Hailey and offer support visit https://www.carepages.com/carepages/HaileysCarePage

To learn more about more about acute lymphoblastic leukemia visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_lymphoblastic_leukemia

Although at this point Hailey does not need a bone marrow transplant, many leukemia patients are waiting desperately for a donor. To read an article I wrote that has some information on bone marrow transplants and the Bone Marrow Registry visit http://www.stoughtonnews.com/main.asp?SectionID=2&SubSectionID=2&ArticleID=634

Stinking Splint!

This is why I shouldn't write about things when they're going well - I jinx myself. Yesterday, a week and a half away from Jordan's x-ray appointment, his patched splint popped it's patch. Jordan thinks the wheelies he was popping at the time are to blame, even though he didn't fall down or anything. Surprisingly, driving to UW Hospital for casting, cast removal, x-rays and splint fixing is not my favorite thing to do. Especially now that no matter which way I go to get there I'm confronted by major construction and stand still traffic. So I called Jordan's doctor to see if we could get in early for x-rays and maybe ditch the splint altogether, but that was a no-go. So, since he starts school and soccer tomorrow and I'm not interested in taking any chances, we made another emergency trip to occupational therapy where they fixed his splint with super glue (they were out of Bondo). Granted they used some type of heating device to remold it a bit and tack the layers of plastic together a little better, but I think Justin could have super-glued the thing at home. Anyway, we're good to go for tomorrow, and hopefully this patch job will last til x-rays next week.

Jordan's Arm

If you're reading this, chances are you know that Jordan has had a broken arm for most of the past 9 months. But since I'm as tired of answering the questions "What happened to his arm?" and "How is Jordan's arm?" as he is of hearing me say "Where's your splint?", "Settle down, you don't have your split on." and "Go put your splint on." I thought I'd address the issue publicly, so to speak.

Last November Jordan broke his right arm. Justin was giving him an "airplane ride" and he fell. He screamed and cried and carried on (not helped by me blurting out, "Did he break it? I heard something crack." as soon as he fell). We hemmed and hawed, finally decided it looked swollen and he seemed to be in real pain, and headed to Urgent Care. He got a splint and a sling, then one week in a cast, then six weeks in another cast, then another splint. By March or so he was really restless, practically left-handed, and cleared to run and play with no splint. Things were all good until May when he got kicked in the arm while having a bear crawl race with the neighbor boys. He came inside crying and saying he heard his arm crack. Another trip to Urgent Care, another splint and sling, a baffled orthopedic doctor (baffled because the x-rays showed that he healed well and had no reason to break the same arm in the same place, and because he didn't have nearly enough pain or swelling for a true break, although the x-rays showed a break) and another four weeks in a cast. Then, to be on the safe side, another four weeks in a different cast. Then four weeks in a splint. Then approximately his millionth set of x-rays. The verdict as of mid-July? He's healing well, but slowly. He's got only minor range of motion issues related to the extra bone growth around the break site which will thin down over time. Better safe than sorry. Eight more weeks wearing a splint "when he's active" (a.k.a. any time he's awake), then more x-rays. That was five weeks ago. Last week the his custom-made, took two hours of my time at the hospital waiting to get it made splint cracked practically in half where it bends around his elbow. We made an emergency trip back to occupational therapy (where the waiting room contains nothing remotely interesting to children) to have the splint reinforced. So now, we wait...and try to think of creative things to do with the two slings, one cast, one plaster splint, one plastic long arm splint and one shorter plastic splint we'll still have hanging around the house when he's all done with this.

Free Fruit!

On Monday my boss told me that there were all kinds of blackberries along the Ice Age Trail between Brooklyn and Belleville. I love berries, and free blackberries aren't something I can easily pass up. Late in the afternoon Justin, Sasha and I went out to pick some berries. Sasha immediately fell down and scratched one leg up pretty badly, so she was relegated to picking up fallen apples by the wild apple tree. Justin and I braved the thickets and got quite a few berries. Justin also got quite a few scratches, while I was covered in mosquito bites. The three jars of no-cook freezer jam I made the next day made it all worth while though. We also froze a lot of blackberries. Now if I could just figure out what to do with all the sour wild apples and even sourer wild grapes growing along the trail I'd be even happier. Foraging for food is fun (as long as you don't have to rely on it for survival)!

Insomnia

Here it is, 3:42 AM and I'm awake. Again. Still. Not sure how long I've been awake. I try not to look at the clock, but eventually I give in. I'm guessing 2, 3 hours. Tonight I woke up with a jerk from some dream. Don't remember much about it except that it made me nervous. Anxious when I was asleep, now I'm too anxious to drift back. Tried to empty my mind, relax my body, think about something else. My eyes kept popping open, and I couldn't slow my breathing. So here I am. Feel sorry for the kids. Mom will be a witch tomorrow. The thought of waking up and staying awake for hours almost half the nights of the rest of my life is daunting. Not sure how I came to this, or what I can do to fix it. Tomorrow, or later today I guess, I will stumble around in a fog. Wondering why I'm so exhausted until I remember the hours I spent fighting to go back to sleep. Then I'll do it all over again tomorrow night or the next night or the next. It's been like this for a year, maybe two, or three? I think I slept most of the night every night for a week back in July. That was nice. I should take the time to do some research, come up with a plan, but I can't seem to motivate myself. Justin said, "What's wrong with you? You should go to the doctor." But what can he do? He and I both know I have anxiety issues. He suggests daily exercise, join a yoga class, go for a walk. I try, but I'm not a stick to it, make yourself do it kind of person. And I'm really not a fan of prescription drugs either. So here I am. Stuck. 4:03 in the morning.

I've Gone Nuts!

After years of reading and re-reading books, magazines and blogs dedicated to the subject of healthy and environmentally friendly living, noting the suggestion to stop using laundry detergent and start washing my clothes with soap nuts, thinking there was no way that could work and purchasing another expensive bottle of Seventh Generation laundry detergent (the only kind that didn't give Jordan a major eczema breakout), I've taken the plunge. Between this blog entry and this one I became convinced that this was something I had to try. So I headed to NaturOli and bought a sample pack of soap nuts. So far I've done three loads of laundry with them, and they seem to be working at least as well as the Seventh Generation detergent. Soap nuts can be used whole, ground into a powder, or liquefied for use as laundry detergent, all purpose household cleaner, shampoo, etc. For the laundry, I'm leaving the soap nuts whole. My sample pack came with a cloth bag containing five nuts. All I have to do is toss them in the washer with the clothes (after soaking in hot water for three minutes if I'm doing a cold water wash), then take the soap nuts out with the clean laundry and hang the bag with the nuts in up to dry so they don't get moldy. The soap nuts can be reused approximately five times. When they're used up, I'll throw them in the compost pile. Soap nuts grow on trees, are healthy, economical, and kind of fun to use. I would encourage all of you to go nuts with your laundry!

Hard To Believe, But True

Last night I was at the computer (working on this blog actually) while Jordan was getting ready for bed. He had just gone to the bathroom when he came over and informed me that his butt hurt. So I told him to bend over so I could see if anything was wrong. While he's bent over pantsless and I'm leaning over to see what's going on, our neighbor walks up to the front (screen) door to let us know that he put Jordan's bike by our garage door. So he gets a lovely view of me inspecting my son's butt. I started laughing hysterically, told Jordan it looked fine, but he could put some ointment on it if he wanted and thanked the neighbor. Meanwhile, Jordan looked up, startled, fell over and crawled behind the coffee table to put his butt out of view.

Later, Justin and I were having a friendly discussion regarding the dishes, and their need to be done on a regular basis. I maintained that I have been doing them most of the time lately, and he seemed to think that wasn't true (I knew I was right though). Then, he had the nerve to say that I should do them more often because I use more dishes. Yeah, I use more dishes than he does because I cook most of our meals! And then he added that I should also do the dishes more often because I feed the kids more often! Men!!! (I do have to admit though, that he saw the error of his reasoning, and we both had a good laugh).

Diapers For Sale

*Note - If you are easily offended by hearing about #1's, #2's, or the use of the word "potty" in place of the more formal "toilet" do not read this post.

Not to brag or anything (okay, yes, I am bragging), but Sasha has been officially fully potty-trained since about mid-June. That's right, day-time, night-time, at home, in public, no more "little potty" potty-trained. Although she still sometimes has accidents during the day when she doesn't quite make it to the toilet in time, or forgets to "scootch" back enough (causing pee to shoot out between the toilet and the toilet seat), she's never wet the bed. Sometimes she wakes up and cries until we take her to the bathroom, some nights she sleeps through. In case you couldn't tell, this makes me really really proud and really really happy. Not only are we saving probably $75 a month on diapers and what felt like hours a day changing diapers, but I can now leave the house with only my purse (as long as it contains a child-approved snack). Sasha even used the outhouse without much complaint on a recent camping trip, and after many failed attempts, managed to go #2 in the grass along the Kickapoo River while we were canoeing. Luckily there was a field full of cows nearby, and I convinced her that she should poop in the grass the way cows do. I give most of the tribute for her stellar training experience to the cloth diapers we used most of the time. She definitely knew when she was wet, and she definitely didn't want to be. I suppose the rest of the tribute goes to the fact that she's a girl. I remember that most of my sisters trained pretty easily, and Karlye was fully potty-trained by the time she started staying overnight at our house when she was two and a half. Jordan, on the other hand, didn't pee in the pot until he was at least three years old, and then insisted on pooping in a diaper until he was three and a half. I was afraid he wouldn't be able to start pre-school if he didn't get a move on. Poor Sasha doesn't start pre-school until a year from this fall, and can't wait to go.

Kids Say...

Karlye thinks the peacocks at the Milwaukee Zoo are in the enclosures with the other animals to watch over them. (Can I get a peacock to babysit my kids?)

Jordan loves pie and dinosaurs so much that he coined himself a "pie-ranasaurus".

Sasha calls the zoo the "kazoo", calls Grandpa Jake's Gator utility vehicle the "Gatorade", and calls parades "kaprades".